OK, so for a long time now, Ive been 'gonna' do so so much.
Im gonna start a business.
Im gonna have an exhibition in London.
Im gonna have a market stall.
Im gonna lose weight.
Im gonna save money.
Im gonna move to Berlin.
Are any of these things unrealistic? No. Can I achieve any one of these things in a relatively short amount of time? Absolutely. So why am I still spending my free time saying gonna? It sounds so easy to do these things. Truth is, motivation is something that once caught, takes me to amazing places. Catching it, much like a butterfly, can be somewhat frustrating. But today Im not letting that fucker fly away as it has done so many times lately.
I no longer have a day job. I was a teacher, a very good, legitimate, financially stable job. But it wasn't making me happy. Since I was old enought to think on my own, I have wanted to be free to discover my own creativity. I have wanted to create art, to make new things, to discover new ideas, and to inspire, impress and excite others with what I do. Isn't that what teaching is meant to give me? No, apparently not. Does this make me a bad teacher? Not worthy because I didn't work hard enough to make these things happen? Maybe.
I have so many things I want to do, I have trouble focusing on one path. But lately I have realised, it doesn't matter which one I choose. Whatever I go with, painting, illustration, photography, design, writing, fashion.....it will be the start of the life I have always wanted to live. Sure, I have to be realistic, I have to make a living, I have to pay rent - all of that. But as a very dear friend of mine told me recently, I will always find a way (thank you Sarah Edwards). I have been through tough times- no, not as tough as some people, but bad enough to make me wonder if I should just give up. But I never did. If I can handle things I have been through in the past, I can bloody well handle anything a lack of financial instability can throw at me.
Two people have come into my life this year who have changed my perception of myself, and the world around me greatly. They are both amazing souls who are still searching for their paths, as I am, but from the short time I have known them, they are showing me how bright the future is, and that there are people on this Earth that can show indescribable warmth, belief, and inspiration in the blink of an eyelid. Or as the case may be, a nice cold gin and tonic.
So today Im gonna do some things, Im gonna start something beautiful.
No really, I am. And if you dont start seeing the fruits of my gonna labours here...well you can assume Im still chasing that damn butterfly.